FINALLY I managed to hook up with the wireless! Argh took me so long. And by the time i made it online, he’s already about to sleep. Haiz……..

This whole week has been a terrible, horrible week. And of course it just HAD to end with a bang didn’t it, the weekend was suckier than ever. So many problems crashing on me. My dad is putting a lot of pressure on me as my finals is drawing nearer. Why can’t he just accept the fact that I’m naturally stupid and kick me out from school. It’s just too tough!! This is suppose to be one of the hardest exams in the freaking WORLD!! Why on earth am i doing this?? Now i have a tight timetable to follow everyday, with a study schedule, plus my tuitions, and now i have a private tutor coming to my house to give me extra chemistry lessons, not to forget that my dad wants to give me weekly math tests, and the tutor comes twice a week (once for lessons, once for giving me a test), and don’t miss out my ever growing mass of schoolwork. I’m just so afraid of the reality that I’m not going to do well in my finals. I can’t imagine the consequences. I’m so scared sometimes I feel like choking myself. Or jumping off a building (a guy fren of mine says it’s best to choose a very tall building so you don’t just end up with a broken arm or leg).

And to top off this ‘marvelous’ week, I’m STILL sick. Think all of the poor trees that has been sacrificed into tissues to hold all my disgusting mucus. I’ve been blowing my nose so much till it’s sore and sometimes it bleeds after all the blowing. Sigh.

 

 

I was so upset at my boy yesterday. And a bit on the day before that too. It’s not that i purposely want to be mad at him..I’m just in a very crappy mood and I always expect him to be there for me..and when he doesn’t, I just blow up. Yes, it sounds selfish. Perhaps I am. I’m just a selfish, self-absorbing, inconsiderate, b*tch who’s asking too much from my bf.

Sigh..but you know..it really does hurt when he isn’t here for me when I need him the most. You see, he’s the one i lean on when I’m going through difficult times..but all he do is tell me he’s very worried about me, he just keeps telling me that and honestly I don’t even believe him because they’re just a bunch of words. I dozed off that night while waiting for him to come back from an outing..and I woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing I did was to grab my phone next to me and read his msg, but nothing. Just one msg to let me know that the outing was over already. Nothing more. No ‘i miss you’s, no ‘hope ur ok’s, no reassurances from him, no ‘i love you’s, no ‘thinking of you’s, no kisses no hugs, no tucking me in, no ‘goodnight’, no nothing. I don’t even know if he’s in bed already or not. And after all that ‘I’m so worried for you’, i just felt he didn’t mean them at all. Yea, a bunch of words. Even I can go up to any Tom, Dick and Harry anywhere and tell them that without meaning them.

So..I felt hurt..I felt disappointed..I felt lonely..and I felt unloved. I know it may seem like such a small thing that he didnt msg me, but to me, it means alot. Because I don’t get to see him often. I don’t get to meet him and go for dates like other couples can. I don’t get to openly hug him and give him a peck on the cheek in front of people we know. I don’t get to call him whenever I’m thinking of him without making sure my parents are not at home. I don’t get to go over to his house just to visit him and his family. I don’t get to celebrate special occasions like Valentine’s Day, our birthdays, Christmas, together with him with the knowledge of others. Yes, there are so many things I wish i could do with him but I can’t, because our relationship has to be unknowned, it has to be a secret. Not that we both want it to be like this, but we’re forced to because of my parents. And so, because I don’t get to do normal ‘couple’ things with him, every msg from him counts. Every single one. Even if it’s just a msg to say he’s back from work, or a msg to let me know he’s about to go to bed. Every one of them is important cos it lets me know where he is, what’s he doing, how he is, and all those, help to make me feel just a bit closer to him since I can’t be with him physically. And that is why..I’m upset when I don’t hear from him..

All i want is to be close to him..and to imagine he’s near me through his msgs..and if there’s anything wrong with that..then I don’t know what’s right.